Why the hell did I have to get myself a boyfriend who lives in America?!
Some of you may know that I am in a long-distance relationship. I have been for over a year now, and in this time I have been able to reflect on it and what it involves. I’ve wanted to speak up about it in a blog post for a while now, as I am sure there are more people in a long-distance relationship that we’d think. So if you are in one, or ever have been, do read on and let me know if you can relate!
Breaking news: no, it’s not easy
I won’t lie, being in a long-distance relationship is hard, especially when you’re very far away. I live in England and my boyfriend lives in California, so we obviously can’t visit every other weekend. When we started dating, we knew this was coming and the risk of not knowing when we’d see each other again was there from the start. However, because we’re two crazy individuals, we still gave it a go and I will never regret it.
We last saw each other in July, when I went spent the month in California. Since then, it’s been messages, calls and Skype. These indirect means of communication are a poor alternative to seeing each other regularly, and I can’t count the times we’ve said ‘I miss you.’ But truth is there’s no way around it, so being resilient and relying on each other is key. (See my post On Resilience & What I Learned in 2017) But yes, it gets hard and you might also cry a lot. I know I do. Not any groundbreaking info here, but it had to be said!
People will pity you
Alright, ‘pity’ might not be the word, but I do sometimes feel like that, causing ‘ooows’ and ‘oh noooos’ whenever I mention our relationship. As much as I appreciate the concern and the fact that people empathise with how rubbish the whole long-distance situation is, I don’t understand some of the reactions I get. How many times have I heard ‘It must be so hard!’ or ‘How do you do?!’ when I happened to mention that we were thousands of kilometers apart? I have lost count, and now I’m always expecting that kind of response.
So yes, long distance is hard, yes we hate it, but with these people I want to share the positive: the constant communication, the support we get from each other, the little messages that make each other smile, when he stays up incredibly late (hello eight-hour time difference) so we can call… All these little things is what I want people to think about. Because yes it’s is a pitiful situation, but in a way it does make the relationship ever so special and unique.
Trust is key
One of the strangest questions I go asked t when I talked about our relationship to someone was: ‘So are you allowed to see other people in the meantime?’ It took me a few seconds to gather my thoughts on that one! Although we are far apart most of the time, my boyfriend and I are not in an open relationship, and never even thought about it simply because this is not our vision of things.
This anecdote leads me onto a major point: trust. To make a long-distance relationship work, you have to trust your partner. Not in the sense of trusting them to be faithful (that comes without saying), but rather trusting their vision of the relationship, their involvement, and the effort they will put to make it work. And so should they trust you. Long-distance relationships involve trusting that both of the partners want the same thing and have the same expectations from each other. If this trust isn’t there, if you are unsure about what your partner wants or thinks about the relationship and what it involves, chances are that misunderstandings could arise. Be clear from the start, be trust-worthy and supportive, and expect the same of your partner to make it work. And it will!
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Engaging in a long-distance relationship isn’t for everyone. That much is true. However there are ways to make it work, and the good always outweighs the bad, by far. As I tell all the people that wonder how on earth we manage it, there is so much happiness in it, and I count my blessings for being in such a supportive and loving relationship – no matter how far apart we are.
Have you ever been on a long-distance relationship? What are your thoughts about it?
Lots of love,
Julia x
